He holds it all!

We missed the entire month of June on our blog. And although we almost missed July, I could not miss blogging about July 31st and how important this date has been and continues to be for our family.

1) It was two years ago on July 31st in 2011 that Ryan and I decided to become a part of LifePoint Church. We signed on the dotted line and knew we wanted to commit to this church, to be plugged in, and to raise our family here. I could go on and on about how God is using this church. Personally, it has been His mouth to minister to me in a plethora of ways. And my kids--I LOVE how excited they are to be there. The truths they are learning and applying are biblically based. I know there is no perfect church. And I know LifePoint is far from perfect, but I also know God is leading them. So if you are in the Rutherford County, Middle Tennessee area and are looking for a church, let me know. I'd love for you to join us.

2) Last year on July 31st 2012 Ryan and I attended our first PATH class to become foster parents. It was orientation. We were handed a huge folder of forms and a pen. And that began the paper trail. In the car on the way home I remember talking with Ryan, "Are we really doing this?! Are we sure about this?!"

3) Today on July 31st 2013 marks exactly 6 months that we have had lil man. It was on a cold rainy night on January 31st that lil man arrived at our house. It even snowed. That details of that night is forever engrained in my brain much like the arrivals of our other two.

So let me catch you up on the last couple of months in our world. One reason I have neglected to blog is because it is becoming increasingly harder to update while maintaining confidentiality.

While working on reunification with lil man's birth family (in our case) there is a 3-step process for lil man to return to his family. The first step is for DCS in the location where the birth family resides to do their thing and approve or deny. The second step is once they make a decision then our DCS does their thing - looks over everything and makes a decision to approve or deny. And thirdly, once both DCS's make decisions it is then brought before the judge and she has the final say. We understood that once the ball started rolling in this 3-step process that whatever were to happen would happen fast. 

May Update

In May we were informed that the first leg of the process has been decided on - approved. There was some missing information and questions on the approval so they asked for it to be done again. Upon completion of the redo the decision remained the same - approved. That means lil man is one step closer to being reunified with his family. I believe in reunification. I want lil man to be where he is supposed to be. But the reality, that he is on his way... a lump in my throat is quite the understatement. That update was hard to take and swallow. It was a very emotional night to say the least. 

The next morning we had to resume with life. Lil man's appointments had to continue. So at 9:30am lil man's TEIS therapist walks in the door like she does every week to work with him on different things. She and I have become quite close and even discuss personal things in our lives in light of Christ during his "therapy". And each week she asks if there has been an update with his family. When she asked that morning through tears I explained what we had been told the day before. As she cried and I cried through the rest of the appointment, Christ truly made himself known. Before she left, we held him together and prayed over him. I LOVE a good prayer time together with fellow believers, but during this time God was reminding me of His faithfulness. He showed me how much He loves lil man and how He holds it all. How even with lil man's therapy sessions, He had hand crafted the people we were to work with long before lil man ever arrived in our home.

June Update

After the first step was approved for little man to be returned to his family there were some final questions to answer. A team meeting was called so our DCS could make a decision, and finish step two. This huge meeting was scheduled to take place during our VBS week. The end of the week. As in Friday, after you've been running with 3 kids all week that had to get up hours earlier than normal. My first thought was "this has got to be the worst timing ever! I am going to be absolutely exhausted." And I was. But I was also wrong. It was the best timing. God's timing is always absolutely perfect. We were so busy and so exhausted that week that I didn't even have the opportunity to sit and dwell on the fact that lil man would be leaving soon. I didn't have the energy for a pity party or to feel guilty for the fact that this could be our last week with him. That I am handing him over to nursery workers for the first half of what could potentially be our last days with him. (P.S. Those nursery workers that were strangers on Monday have become some precious souls to lil man and I!! Thank you, Jesus that your ways are better than ours!) 

The Wednesday of that week (two days prior to the big meeting) our case workers came over to prep us. Praise Jesus for a caseworker that personally comes to our house to deliver news that she knows will be difficult for us to hear and handle so we can better prepare for the meeting. As we all sat in our living room crying together over the upcoming outcome Ryan and I began to ask questions of the aftermath. "How much longer do we get with lil man? How will we hand him back over? Will it be a transition or will it be immediate?" There really weren't answers to our questions. It could be immediate, it could be a transition. And through tears I asked "So, there is a possibility that on the day of court should the judge grant custody to his birth family we could leave the court room and they follow us home to pack him up and send him on his way?" I knew the answer to that question but I guess I just needed to hear it. To prepare for the worst. When I heard the word "yes" it took my breath away. There is no way to describe that feeling. It was almost as if I were grieving the death of one of my children. But the amazing part, right behind those immediate fears, there was peace. A peace that passes all understanding. As we talked with our case worker she reminded us, "God has already written lil man's book. He has a plan for lil man. We have to trust Him." And that is what we had to focus on. Thank you, Jesus, for a case worker that is a believer and that can encourage during brokenness and weakness. 

That evening we went outside to play with the kids and kinda clear our heads. And in as deep a prayer as one can get while chasing kids around the yard God cleared up misconceptions I had bought into. I'm not sure I will be able to clearly communicate this, but here goes... I had felt it was my job to fight for lil man since the day we got him. Not necessarily to fight against certain people or things but to fight for what was best for him. And I did that. From day one. With everything I could muster up. Things I was told and things that were brought to my attention I shared with those that needed to know them. Just as I would be protective of my own children. But in that deep prayer I heard, "are you doing this for Me or for you?" BAM! WHAT?! Any parent would do anything to protect their child. To keep them from harm. Thus I began a game of tug-of-war with God. I began splitting hairs. (Yes, at 32 I still have not given up tug-of-war with God. I never win, but I still play.) To make a long story short what I realized was I was spending all this time and energy to fight for what I thought was best for lil man while I may have been getting in the way of the testimony God was writing for him. From the day I learned step one was approved it was as if I kicked it into overdrive. As if there was something I had to do that couldn't be resolved any other way.

If nothing else, emotionally and mentally, I was holding onto lil man so tight that the thoughts I was thinking and the choices I was making had one objective - mine. I was living in fear of the inevitable. There is a fine line between fighting for what is best for him while being his voice and still allowing God to be God and being willing to accept His plan. I had been muddying up that line. So in the grass of our backyard (while squirting my kids with the water hose) I wept and surrendered the outcome of the meeting on Friday. (My kids don't even ask why I'm crying anymore. It happens that often. And when they do most of the time is it "well, honey, mommy and God are talking and mommy just realized she made a bad choice and I feel really bad about it.") 

So Friday morning rolls around. (I have a hard time sleeping these days, but that night, I slept like a baby!) I load the van with 3 kids and head off to VBS at 7:20 in the morning! For the fifth time. And with us in that car was a peace that passes all understanding. And it stayed with me all day. I knew we had an army praying for the meeting and for lil man. When VBS was over as I was packing the van with 3 kids there were people I didn't even know telling me they were praying for our meeting in an hour. So we get home, unload the kids on my parents, and head out. In the car ride there was still a quiet peace, there were no tears (and that is a miracle). The last thing we were told was we would meet, a decision would be made at the end of the meeting, and we would be before a judge possibly within a couple of weeks to grant custody, the end. 

We arrive, sit in our chairs, and the meeting begins. Unfortunately due to confidentiality we cannot share the details but the meeting lasts for two and a half hours. Not at all the way it was expected to happen. Ryan nor I ever said a word. We sat, and listened, and prayed. A decision was not made that day. A decision still has not been made a month and a half later. God's presence was so clear to me in that meeting. Normally I would have been an emotional hot mess. Not the first tear. So we continue to pray for what is best for lil man and trust God has gone before us. Please continue to pray for everyone involved as every step of the way there will be hurting hearts. Whether it be us, or the birth family. Pray that at each step our hearts would turn to Jesus the ultimate healer.

Currently

There have been a couple more updates since that meeting. However, nothing on official paper and nothing I am at liberty to share at this point. I know there are a lot of holes in the story and that may make it hard to follow. How I wish we could share more that would better explain how God is working.

A few things you can be praying over is for lil man's birth father, grandmother, and birth mother. We have a big meeting coming up next week where some big things are on the docket to be discussed. Prayers for discernment of what the best decision is for lil man would be greatly appreciated.

And one more thing I would like to share. Growing up in the church I have often heard, "God will not give you more than you can handle." Well, friends. False! I call bull! That is not in the Bible. If God were to only give us what we could handle, and no more, why would we need him? Couldn't we do it all on our own? God's plans are huge. More than we could ask or imagine. And more than we can handle. Foster Care is CERTAINLY more than I can handle. Most days motherhood is more than I can handle, if we're being honest. But the beauty of learning and accepting that He does give us more than we can handle is that the "impossibility" is handled by Him. We just have to allow Him. With His strength we get through it. When we depend on Him there is a peace in knowing He holds it all. Doesn't mean it will be easy. It doesn't mean things will turn out the way we want. But He is in control. And that should make us all feel better. He holds it all!

"He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." ~ Colossians 1:17

Life in a Mario Kart World

A LOT has gone on since the last blog. I am beginning to see a pattern of my blogging. It most often happens after a good foster care meltdown. "Foster care meltdown": v, an inability of the recipient of updates to emotionally process an update that swings the pendulum in an opposite direction. Well, we are a few meltdowns behind. ;)

In the PATH training there is a lot of talk about attachment. How children in foster care can have a hard time attaching due to their circumstances. And sometimes because children rebel against attaching to the foster family, it can make it hard for foster families to attach to the foster child. Since lil man arrived as a baby, this has not been our case. However, I didn't realize the depth of attachment until we were in the car headed to the hospital for an outpatient procedure with lil man. A procedure that is very common and happens all day, every day. 

The last ride Ryan and I took together that early in the morning to Vandy was to bring a lil boy into the world two years ago. Although this ride to Vandy at 5am on an early April morning was with a different little boy, it was also met with just as much prayer and tears. A similar gut wrenching prayer of "God we know You are Sovereign. We know You have a plan and a purpose for this little boy. We also know You knit this little boy together in his mother's womb and You knew him before he was ever born. And we know You have hand selected the doctor, anesthesiologist, and nurses that will assist in his procedure today. But God PLEASE let everything be ok." So between tag-teaming prayer and tears it was at the halfway point in our route that I realized I had left my wallet at home. The wallet that held lil man's insurance card and prescription card, along with my ID. I had to make the guilt-ridden phone call to my dad and step-mom who arrived at my house before 5am to keep our kids. I had to ask if someone could race my wallet to us so we wouldn't be late. Thank God for family! 

So let me just share with you some of the details of surgery day where God reminded me He was up and at work long before we were. When we were signing in and getting wrist bracelets with tears in my eyes I had to admit that I didn't have lil man's insurance card with me but it was on its way. Instead of sending us to the end of the line she politely winked at me and said, "that's ok, I'm sure his information is in here somewhere. I'll find it later." WOW! Thank you, Lord. When we were called back to the triage section there was a major discrepancy as to who was to give consent. We had been warned by the doctor AND scheduling nurse that if we didn't have the correct consent prior to surgery we would just be sent home that day. However, we sat in "triage" for 2 hours while they called and called to get the correct consent. WOW! Thank you, Lord. And although it made me super nervous, it gave us more time with lil man. 

Once they got approval from the correct person things moved quickly. So did my heart rate. Just moments before he was taken back, Ryan and I were praying over lil man. He fell asleep. Not the "I got up super early so I'm gonna take a cat nap." I'm talking "it must be bedtime so I'm gonna sleep hard" kinda sleep. So when the nurse came in to take him away, of course I bawled like a baby, but it was so much easier to hand over a peacefully sleeping baby than it would be an awake and possible crying baby. Even in the hand-off he didn't budge. Another nurse in the hallway must have been watching and overhearing our situation. And right after the hand off as we were packing up to head back to the waiting area (still crying) this nurse stopped us and put a hand on my shoulder and began to reassure and comfort us that lil man would be just fine. She again explained how they would be putting lil man under and how smoothly it would be. And that was the last we saw of her that day. Let me also add, Ryan is the perfect person to have with you on a day like this. He is not uncomfortable with emotion and will hold you while you cry uncontrollably. And when you reach that point that you're about to spiral out of control he knows exactly when to crack a joke that helps you grab the pieces and hold it together. 

After surgery while lil man was in recovery we were called back to talk with the doctor for an update. The doctor recapped the procedure step-by-step and how everything had gone beautifully. He began to explain future appointments for follow up. And just when I thought I had done so well holding it together - I fell apart. I'm talking snot, making noise, etc. Muttering through my crying voice I asked what a back-up plan would be if he wasn't with us at that time. In that moment of brokenness in the dark little room of just Ryan, the doctor, and me - the doctor stopped talking doctor stuff and became a dad. I wasn't sure if he was going to join me in crying, begin praying, or just hug me. His response to the crazy lady sobbing was God's way of showing me how He had hand picked this doctor for lil man and for us. The way that doctor offered help was far and beyond his job description. 

As we walk the ups and downs of foster care and life with lil man it brings to life Colossians 1:17, "He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." This does not mean everything will be easy, nor will things end my way. It means God is in control and has a plan. But that's another blog. :)

The very next morning after surgery we had our first CFTM (Child and Family Team Meeting). Since lil man was in a foster home before us, we missed his first CFTM. This is a meeting that takes place every 3 months and is supposed to be comprised of EVERYONE involved in lil man's life to work his plan. Including everyone's lawyers. We knew Ryan and I both had to be there. So we farmed out kids and headed out. (Thank you, Lord, that Ryan still doesn't have a job!) Due to confidentiality I cannot share the details of that meeting but it was a very emotional 2-hour meeting. As I've blogged about before, when we started this path our goal was adoption. However through our training and education of foster care we agree and believe in reunification. Emotionally, it has been a slow journey to cheer for reunification- with the bond we have with lil man. However, we are on board 100%. Then the meeting threw about 5 curve balls that we didn't even see coming. One may have even smacked me in the head. And at that point you fight your emotions and thoughts when the, "Well, what if? Could it be?" tries to push it's way to the forefront of your mind.

So what does all this have to do with Mario Kart? In foster care there are many twists and turns in the road, just like Mario Kart. You may be crusin' along on the path and out of no where you're hit with a turtle shell. It completely knocks you off course. Or before you even see it, there is a banana that causes you to spiral out of control. And the only way to over come the effects of the banana is to let off the gas and just wait it out. There are even days that you get attacked by the squid, blocking your vision and inability to focus and see what is going on. And in those twists and turns you usually don't have much time to readjust before moving forward. In foster care much is the same. But sometimes it takes days to recoup. However, every time we have been hit, had a spin-out, or been squid-ed - right behind those events God has continued to show us Colossians 1:17. 

This week we experienced a HUGE squid with the process and I won't lie that it took 2 days to recover. But within 24 hours of the new information I was sitting on my living room floor holding hands with lil man and his TEIS worker in prayer over lil man, his life, his family, and everyone involved. 

God has blessed us with some amazing friends that have and are walking foster care and adoption that have been prayer warriors. We have family that drops everything to keep our kids and speaks such truth and encouragement into our lives. Our case worker is PHENOMINAL! We have a relationship with her that I am learning everyday is rare. The team God has created for us to walk with is amazing! And each person is gifted in their skill set, whether it be early development intervention, fighting for what is best for lil man, counseling a friend, or loving on a grandchild/niece/nephew. Greater than their abilities- what has been a game changer for us is that the heart of these people are truly about the heart of God. This walk is not easy. But it is beautiful!! Because in HIM all things hold together!!!!

p.s. Our 1-month follow-up appointment from surgery is this Thursday. To God be the glory!!

A Reality Within a Reality

This blog has turned into my journal. Something I consciously wanted to avoid. This blog was designed to be a day-to-day update of our family for family/friends we don't get to see very often. However, this journey of Foster Care has unlocked chambers of my heart that I didn't even know existed. So with that being said, how can God use something for His glory if it is never shared? 

I was "saved" at age 10. I've always been in church, Sunday school, Youth Group functions, Young Adult Bible studies, a Christian university, adult small groups, etc. No matter my geographical location, God always provided an opportunity for discipleship. But this experience with Foster Care has popped a Christian bubble that I didn't even know I'd been living in. My perception of God, the world, love... all have been challenged. In a good way. With each appointment, court date, Vandy visit, Birth Parent contact... the reality of our need for God in a broken world becomes much more apparent. I am not referring to "this broken world needs God." Although it does. I mean the reality of MY need for God. 

Last week I attended court for the second time. This trip was just as much an eye-opening experience for me as the first. As I sat in the court room I listened to case after case being called. I heard parent after parent surrendering their rights as parents as if it was something as nonchalant as tossing an old pair of shoes. I couldn't believe it! This world really does exist. I saw the face of one parent that came to surrender and she looked as though she was put-off to be wasting time out of her day to be doing this. Now hear me clearly, I am not judging them. Honestly, this may be the best thing for these kids. A decision I would never want to make! 

I heard the judge call a case with a name that sounded very familiar to me. As I listened I learned this particular girl was 17 years old and would turn 18 in a month. In the Foster Care world when a kid turns 18 they age out of the system and if they haven't been adopted they age out without a forever family. I CANNOT IMAGINE! What was I doing when I was 18? Wearing my class ring, ordering a cap and gown and invitations, looking for a dress to wear to prom, looking into colleges, and asking my dad for money to go to the movies. I was not thinking, "where will I live? will I have a forever family? How long will this family let me stay here?" When this particular girl turned around and I saw her face I realized why her name sounded familiar and tears filled my eyes. She was one of my former 8th grade math students!! It has been 4 years since I taught (meaning my ability to remember students' names is rare) but the details of her in my class immediately clarified in my mind as if it were yesterday. A lot of things made sense in that moment. 

A few cases later I see a beautiful 12ish year-old girl come forward when her case was called. The attorneys and judge began talking about her parents as if they were run away dogs. "Do we know where Dad is? Have we located Mom? When was contact last made with Mom?" Again, I am not judging the attorneys or the judge. If I had sat in the court room all day I would have heard the same types of questions. And this is the good ol' U.S. of A. - land of the free and home of the brave. This happens everyday. So as the case proceeded with the 12yr old girl the judge addresses each person and asks if they have any questions. The DCS case worker then proceeds to tell the judge that the girl wanted to talk to her. So the judge lovingly welcomes the girl to step up to the microphone and asks her what she would like to say. The girl simply opens her mouth and says, "I want to be adopted, please." Yes, you read that right. A 12yr old little girl just asked a complete stranger - the judge - for a mommy. She just asked the judge if she could make it happen so that she could have a mommy!! The judge asked her who she wanted to adopt her and the girl points to her foster mom. At this point our case hadn't even been called and I was done. There was no way I would be able to form a complete sentence. I was absolutely dumbfounded. What are we (people, adults, parents, CHRISTIANS) doing that children are having to beg people for Mommys and Daddys?! 

If you are reading this you know that we are new to the Orphan Care world. Two months in and my mind is still blown away daily. And we have yet to even scratch the surface of this overwhelming need. I know not everyone is called to Foster or Adopt. But we are all called to James 1:27 in some way or another. We are all called to love others. One thing I have been uber convicted of throughout this was MY idea of my roll as a mom. If I got the kids up, fed them 3 square meals, played play-doh or colored with them, watched some PBS shows, played dolls and cars, prayed a bedtime prayer and sang some songs, then put them to bed... then I did a stellar job of being a mom that day. But my idea of motherhood may not be big enough. God's plan for me is much greater than staying within the 4 walls of my home. Yes, it is Ryan and my job to teach our children about the love of Christ, but they must also see it lived out. Other than reading a Bible verse or praying, what was I doing to put those things into action? With people? We are in a war whether we want to be or not. The busyness I willing get so caught up in; the tasks I think are so important... there is a greater need. On Resurrection Sunday part of our worship time included 17 people getting baptized. I've never been to a more moving baptism. As I watched those 17 people be baptized it became real to me. There were kids, adults, parents, people of all ages celebrating a new relationship with Christ. I watched a mother get baptized and right behind her was her son getting baptized. I watched a father baptize his daughter. Something I pray will take place for our family. But as I sat in my seat I couldn't help but think of those two girls in court, our lil' man, and his entire family. I don't know how their story will play out. All I know is we have today. And I thought, "am I really living selflessly in a way that those I encounter in this path/this opportunity that God has given us to bring Glory to His name? Do I really live day-to-day with an attitude that I believe God can do mighty things? That I would be willing to be transparent with others and live for something other than myself?" (Boy that rabbit really got away from me, but I caught him.)

Back to court last week - After our case was heard lil' man's case worker and I walked out of the court room and I was immediately introduced to lil' man's grandparents. The grandmother looked at me with tears in her eyes and asked, "Can you tell me about him?" So I started talking about him... how he sits up, burrows his face into your shoulder when you're holding him and he gets excited, is about to cut his first tooth, laughs from the deepest part of his stomach, smiles not just with his mouth but with his eyes, and sings himself to sleep... just as I would brag about my own kids to others. And at some point during the descriptions I started crying, she started crying, lil' man's dad walked out of the court room and sees both of us crying and asks, "What happened?" Ha! "We were talking about how perfect your son is!" So long story short we were allowed and able to make arrangements for lil' man and I to visit with his dad and grandparents for a few hours that day. When I raced home to grab lil' man to take him back to visit with his family Ella looked at me and said, "Where is lil' man' going?" I responded with, "He's going to see his dad and grandparents." She looked at me with big watery eyes and said, "But I want him to stay here forever." Please pray for Ella's heart for the reality that he may be leaving us soon.

Ryan and I talk at length about lil' man and his future and what that means. Many times tears are involved. But it's a time of accountability to take certain thoughts captive. A precious time to refocus on why God has called us to this. During one of our talks Ryan reads me this verse. "The God who spoke light into existence, saying, 'Let light shine from darkness,' is the very One who sets our hearts ablaze to shed light on the knowledge of God's glory revealed in the face of Jesus, the Anointed One." (2 Corinthians 4:6 The Voice) This is our prayer. Something we must remind ourselves daily. That God would truly set our hearts ablaze for God's glory and not sidetracked with the crisis of orphan care. Most importantly that His light would be shed to each family member and child that we encounter as we continue this path. Something that is impossible in our own strength.

Happy 2nd Birthday, Micah!!!

My sweet little boy is 2 today!! He is a HUGE fan of VeggieTales so a VeggieTales party it was. Each year I learn new tricks of how to have a fun birthday party for the kids without it becoming ridiculous. So our goal this year was simple but incorporating things Micah would be aware of and love. We started the week before his actual birthday making decorations. I mean with 3 little ones, ya almost have to. Especially since Ryan and I love doing homemade decorations. I am extremely blessed to have a husband that enjoys staying up late to draw, color, cut-out things that will make their birthdays special to them. It is such a fun uninterrupted time of walking down memory lane and lots of laughter. The first thing we made was his birthday banner. Since he cannot read, making a plain banner with this name on it would mean nothing to him. So we got a little creative. This banner definitely got his attention! He would walk by it all week and give it a *gasp* "BOB!" We found him many times just sitting on the floor looking up at it in silence. Score!

We also printed out some of the VeggieTales quotes and put them in the kitchen so he could see them as he was eating. He LOVED it!

The snacks we had at his party were the VeggieTale foods with a picture corresponding to what character it represented. We served the foods in little planters. (Yes, I know Junior is not an actual piece of broccoli. But I wanted broccoli and he kinda looks like one.) Micah is still playing with the planters and pictures a day later.

We LOVE balloons (or "gaboons" as Ella calls them). So we had some regular red and green balloons blown up and glued Bob and Larry faces to them. These were a huge hit!

 While playing with the balloons he saw daddy doing something outside... and starts saying  "BOB!!"

My amazingly talented husband drew a little welcome art for our guests. 

We also played "Pin the nose on Bob" with all the cousins. 

And for the cake - well, we always do cupcake cakes. No cutting involved. No extra plate or cutlery needed. Win, win! And since I have a master artist as a husband I tell him what I want, he draws it on the cupcake cake, and I color. And here is Micah's reaction when he first saw the cupcakes...

I LOVE this sweet face!!!!

 

Surprise!!! He chose "BOB!"

We wanted the cousins to take something away they could use that represented our vegetable friends...

so they got a watering can, some tomato seeds, cucumber seeds, and a garden snake.

We stole a shot with the birthday boy!

 A VERY tired birthday boy!

In our house at the age of 2 you start carrying your own weight. When Ella turned two she got a backpack for her birthday and started carrying her own "diaper bag" essentials. Now that Micah is two he has earned this rite of passage. So here he is ready to head to church with his very own backpack. One less diaper bag to carry...SCORE!

And how ON EARTH did we get to this point already?!

Happy Birthday my sweet, little Micah!!!!!

Phase 2: The Permanency Plan

Before we get started there are some questions that many people are asking that I need to answer.

Q: Why we are sharing so much of this journey with the world.
A: When we started researching the world of adoption we searched high and low. (Here is our first blog post where it all began.) We looked into international, domestic, and foster care. Other than seeking personal counsel of those we respected who had already walked this path and praying like crazy, one area that God really used to minister to my heart was reading people's blogs of their story. I can remember being up till 5am one morning reading a friend's blog and weeping at every post. When this all started I knew I wanted to blog about our process. To be transparent with the good, the bad, and the ugly. But the goal would be to encourage others who were thinking about adoption or foster care and share how big God is.

Q: Are we fostering or fostering to adopt?
A: It is our desire to adopt through foster care. But we know that no foster placement guarantees adoption. More on that later.

Q: Are you going to adopt lil man?
A: We would LOVE to adopt lil man. However, at this point we are just thankful for everyday we have with him. We are still fighting our selfishness to pray for and accept whatever is best for him.

Now for the good stuff...
It has been 31 days since lil man arrived in our life. 29 days since my last post (yes, I am doing a STELLAR job of blogging our experience, huh?). 65 days since Ryan was laid off, and still no job. 3 days since we became a family that purchased insurance out of pocket. Many would see this as a bummer, however God has used this time to get my undivided attention to teach me things I didn't even know existed. Things that are rocking my world. And things that I still haven't found the right words to explain to people.

When we registered to take the PATH classes (which I HIGHLY recommend) we were asked if we wanted to foster or foster to adopt. Our answer - foster to adopt. At the first PATH class we walked in knowing we wanted to adopt through foster care and that was the end of that. It is still our desire. However, through the classes we began to see things from the birth parents' perspective. Things immediately changed. (Again, something only God could do. I come from a long line of hard-headedness.) We know DCS's first goal is always reunification. Before PATH classes I was very judgmental about DCS's way of bending over backwards to give the birth parents so many chances. 

Through those classes God began changing my perspective. However it wasn't until lil man landed in our family that God was able to get through to me. As I've mentioned before God has done a mighty work in my heart regarding lil man's birth mom. Redemption has been the theme. I was trying to explain to my husband some of the feelings I've been trying to process through all this. If I wanted to, I could argue that I did work to bring Ella and Micah into the world. That I earned my right to be their mother. That I played a role in their creation. (I do not believe this, but this is the best way I can explain it.) That I was given this task and it was MY job to do. However, when lil man arrived, there was no work I did to get him. I did not earn the right to be his foster mom. I certainly had no role in his creation. And had it not been God's will, someone else could have been be his caregiver. When I see his sweet chubby cheeks and bright-eyed smile I see a picture of redemption. The only thing required of me is to accept him and love him. No strings attached. Very humbling. God is still teaching me the depth of his redemption. One thing my naturally judgmental heart has learned is that God's redemption is not just for the drug addicts. It's not just for murderers. It's not just for those in jail. It's for those who are "good" people. It's for those who go to church every Sunday. It's for those who lead Bible studies. It's for ALL. There is nothing I can do to earn it. I don't deserve it. Yet it is still offered to me regardless of my past, present, or future. I am no better than lil man's birth mom and I certainly do not deserve the life I have been given. As a matter of fact, I was lil man's birth mom. Abandoned. Orphaned. Believing lies. Without hope. Lost. Then I was redeemed by God.

A few weeks ago we received lil man's Permanency Plan in the mail. For those unfamiliar with all this, it is a document that outlines the initial goals for lil man's future. The permanency plan always starts off with the goal to reunify with a family member, be it mom, dad, grandma, whoever. Interestingly enough this permanency plan was written the morning of the day we got lil man. But since we got him that evening we weren't part of that process. On this plan it goes in to detail of the goals the birth mom and birth dad or whoever in the family must do to get their kid back. Tears welled up in my eyes as we read this very routine document. Another round of reality set in. I am not in control. Nothing is promised. I MUST trust in God who is bigger than all of this. We began to see dates of when things will be completed. We read things we didn't even understand. We spent a lot of time with our friend google that night. 

In the following days we were notified of family members that were coming forward that wanted custody of lil man. I immediately tried to find the "detach switch". I've heard people say "the longer you have him the more attached you'll get." True, but attachment for me started when DCS showed up in my driveway for the first time in the rain with a blanket covering a crying baby. There's no going back. 

Within a few days of hearing of the family members coming forward, Valentine's day arrived. Ryan and I debated on whether we should send lil man's mom a valentine from him. We weren't sure if it was something that would help or hurt. So we made one and left it up to his case worker to decide. As I looked at that valentine with his hand print on it, it physically hurt my heart. I remember texting my sister and telling her "I can't do this. I don't have the strength to do this. I don't have what it takes. It's too hard." And I was right. I can't. I don't have the strength. It is too hard. But one thing the calming voice of God kept telling me was, "You can't do it. Let ME." 

Once I got over the whole valentine thing (I mean really, am I in the 7th grade?!) I was talking with our case worker about what we could do for the birth mom. This is certainly not because I wanted to. God made it very clear I was supposed to. When I asked her this question it was in the form of "how can we pray for her?" You know, the typical Christian cop-out. Since mom is in jail I figured it was a safe gamble. And remembering from PATH classes they stressed the importance of boundaries with the birth family for your safety, so i knew it was a safe question and I wasn't really too worried. Well as the case worker and I talked she began sharing more and more of mom's story. And of course I began to cry. It's just what I do these days. I began sharing with her some things that were on my heart. She stops for a minute and says, "what if you write her a letter?" Come again?! What in the world would I say? All I know is I have her son and she has been dealt a bad hand of life. I asked if that was normal. "Do most foster parents write the birth parents?" Her response: no. HA. Well then, here we go. I sat down at the computer and grilled my editor husband with "what about this? should I say this? is this too much? how do i say this? how will this make her feel?" Three days, lots of praying, and many snot rags later the letter was written and sent. And I thought the Valentine was gut wrenching. 

Friday was our first court date. I've been told to get used to many of these. I have a slight problem with this. I hate the court room. I mean HATE the court room. The last time I was in a court room was October 31, 1992. This was one week after my 12th birthday. It was the day my parents' two-year nasty divorce was finalized. This took place at the Murfreesboro court house. I'll never forget that day. I remember the look on both my parents faces when they walked out of the court room as well as the first thing they said when the doors swung open. I swore on that day that I would do everything in my power to never enter a court room again. So when I got an email for lil man's first court date... and that it was in Murfreesboro... nausea set in. Then immediately followed was God's calm voice of "trust me. Let ME do this." First the valentine, then the birth mom letter, now court. Can I just get a time-out to process some of this? No, because that would begin a self-wallowing pity party like you've never seen! 

Off to court we go. When I arrived I was THRILLED to see it was not the same court house I frequented 20 years ago. I mean who knew there were two court houses in Murfressboro?! Thank you, Jesus!! This was a routine court date. All we were doing was getting the judge to sign off on the permanency plan. Easy peasy. The first surprise was meeting lil man's alleged father. No paternity test needed, I could vouch this is definitely lil man's father. When our case was called we went forward and surprise number 2, they transported mom to be there. When I looked up and saw her she scanned the room with her eyes for a minute then locked eyes with me. She smiled and waved. Now begins the fight to not be "that" person that sobs uncontrollably in the court room standing in front for all to see. She picked me out. We have been praying so hard for her and to put a face with the name was very emotional. Never have I fought tears back so hard in my entire life. It was a crazy busy day. But all the events of that day I can see how God was in the details. Details I am not allowed to share on here. But also details of how God is continuing to convict my judgmental heart. 

I have no idea how things will turn out. I will admit that as things are progressing it seems (in my opinion) that lil man's stay with us may be temporary. So I continue to fight the selfishness in me to pray for what is best for lil man. But most importantly that if in any way his mom or dad  come to know the Lord it will have all been worth it. So join me in praying for them to encounter Jesus.

The story of a MIGHTY God and a little baby

Ground rules:
1) I'm going to give a quick background.
2) We are not allowed to post the name, pics, or personal information of our little friend.
3) While we are not allowed to share lil man's information I do want to vaguely share how huge God is in all of this.  
4) Resist the urge to feel pity for any of the following and replace it with prayers for God's guidance and widsom for us.

Quick background:
In October of 2011 we felt the urge that God was calling us to adopt. After seeking counsel and much prayer in July of 2012 we began the PATH classes that are required to become foster parents. We still weren't sure the exact path we were to take in all of this so we just put one foot in front of the other and walked through each door as it opened. And let me tell you how that is NOT in my nature. It is NOT my preference. And it is NOT something I excel at. Insert God! It is truly amazing how He can change a heart! God - 1, my personality - 0. We graduated from the PATH classes in September of 2012. We didn't work extra hard to move anything along any quicker than normal, kinda dragging our feet. At this point we had an 18month old who still wasn't talking and a freshly 3yr old. On our second to last PATH class Ryan found out he would be losing his job at the end of the year. Upon graduation we didn't contact anyone to get rolling on the paperwork, background check, interviews, etc. A week later we got a call and were assigned a home study writer. Ok, Lord, as long as you lead, we'll follow. And I'll promise you I won't be running ahead of you on this one. I had great fear in the extremely high percentage of sexual abuse in Foster Care. We continued to do everything that was asked of us as soon as they asked. Before we knew it we were meeting with our Home Study writer and had completed all the homework. We continued reminding them about Ryan losing his job but they were un-phased. God - 2, the norm - 0. We prayed about wether it would be irresponsible to try to care for someone else's responsibility without any income. But the Lord in all his Sovereignty continued the path without haste. We received the official letter that we were certified Foster Parents in November. However, we were told that because we had requested younger aged children that we would be waiting a while. And honestly, that was music to my ears! 

Now to 2013...
Ryan's last day at his job was December 28th. So as of today we are 36 days unemployed. Amazingly enough, in 36 days we have not even felt the stress of no income. God's rules of math are not the same as ours. (And being a former math teacher, it blows my mind!) God - 3, financial fear - 0. As part of our Foster Parent certification we have to have a landline phone. The only person who has the number to that phone is DCS. So when the phone rings we always know who it is. In early January we got our first call. My heart stopped as I slowly walked to the phone hoping we'd miss the call. That thing rings forever before going to voicemail. When I answered it was a case worker looking for a weekend placement. It was 4 teenagers. I have a special place in my heart for teens but in our stage of life right now, not something we feel we can successfully accommodate. But I was doing "bed math" in my head of how many sleeping surfaces we had for the weekend. Trying to work it out in my head it just wouldn't work. So I had to say no. Although it was hard to say no, I deep down was thankful. The phone would occasionally rang. Each time my heart would stop. Each time it was a wrong number or a solicitor. Two Thursdays ago it rang again. This time for real. The DCS worker was trying to place two little girls. One was 3yrs old and the other 1yr old. This got extremely real for me very quick! The 3 yr old was 3 weeks older than Ella. And her name was a name we had picked out for Ella but there was already one of those in our family. The 1yr old was exactly 3 months younger than Micah to the day. My heart immedately broke for them as the DSC worker began sharing their story. Again, amazed at how God can change a heart in an instant. God - 4, fear - 0. While on the phone another family accepted the girls. My heart was broken. The thought that one day those two little girls would learn that their parents were chosing drugs over them. This is the norm in Foster Care but with these little girls being so close to the ages of my 2 little ones it crushed me. The rest of the night when I would see E or M playing I would immediately think of those girls and weep. That there was an "Ella and Micah" out there about to be ripped from everything they knew. I never expected to feel this way over a phone call. It made no sense to me why we would not get these girls. We had all the "stuff" we'd need especially for girls. I had just boxed up girls clothing that afternoon that would have fit both girls. We had all the right beds we'd need. We just graduated E and M up in car seats leaving 2 free. I just couldn't understand. I knew in my head that they were placed with the family they needed. But I couldn't get my heart to sync up. As I continued talking with the DCS lady on the phone she felt horrible. She told me she would move us to the top of her list and that I WOULD be hearing from her the next week since she was on call. My feeling of dread for the phone to ring instantly changed to excitement. God - 5, fear - 0. I got off the phone and cried some more. 
So a week went by... que this Thursday. Ella has been having a sleep regression and up all hours of the night. I remember jokingly telling Ryan, "I wonder if God is getting us ready for a baby." God - 6, useless all nighters - 0. All week I had felt the urgency to get down all the clothes from the attic to sort by age and gender. We started looking into possibly getting a van. If we ended up with a sibling group we would have to take two cars everywhere we went. So 2 days ago during the kids nap Ryan and I pulled down every box in the attic into the living room to begin sorting. God - 7, unprepared - 0. Just then the phone rang. Ryan was still in the attic and I was lunging over boxes. I didn't make it to the DCS phone in time. I immediately began scurrying to find my cell as they try that next. I answered and the DCS worker this time said she had a 4mo old little boy to place. (Technically he is still 3mo.) She began telling his story and I (again) began weeping. He is considered a "drug baby". She began saying things like "he is colicy, doesn't like to be held, or swaddled. He doesn't like the swing or to be confined." Well, Micah was the poster child for colic. Skipping the details, he arrived within 2 hours of the call. When his case worker pulled in the driveway I met her there to intercept him while she got his diaper bag. He was squalling. As soon as I got in the house with him he stopped. When she entered right behind me she looked shocked and began telling me how surprised she was that he was so calm. God - 8, baby's past - 0. Now, this has nothing to do with me. In the home I grew up in there were no tips or pointers of how to be an affectionate, loving mom.  This is truly a testament of how mighty God is! God - 9, growing up w/o a mom - 0. An hour after lil man had been in our home he fell asleep on my chest. All cuddled up. God - 10, "doesn't like to be held" - 0. He slept for about an hour while Ella and Micah were hugging and kissing and patting all over him. Another God thing. I knew E would love him but wasn't so sure about Micah. Micah immediately began laying his head on lil man's back and trying to hug him. God - 11, my thoughts - 0. We were told certain things about how he eats that would be problematic. We experienced none of those things. God - 12, Baby's past - 0. We were told he was extremely colicy. Over the first 24hours he hadn't cried at all. God - 13, Colic - 0. (I'm sure we will be exiting the honeymoon phase soon.) He arrived with some respiratory problems so we expected to have a long night due to that. Well, he slept like a log the first night. God - 14, respiratory problem - 0. Lil man's case worker called the next morning to check in. I went on and on about how well he had done. She was so surprised she asked if she could come see him. When she arrived he was swinging in the swing cooing at Ella. The case worker was so surprised she began taking pictures. God -15, "he doesn't like the swing" - 0. While the case worker and I talked I ended up holding him and he fell asleep on me again. The case worker took out her phone and began the paparazzi again. God - 16, "he doesn't like to be held"- 0. She was shocked. His case worker is WONDERFUL!! I expected a "business-like" guard with what I would be allowed to know of the situation. Nope, she told me anything I wanted to know. God - 17, my expectation - 0. As we were talking about lil man's improvements she was stumped. I just kept saying "God is certainly all over this." She didn't comment or disapprove. So we are praying for her too. The first night I didn't sleep a wink. Was thinking about the birth mom and honestly, thinking judgmentally about her. I was asking lil man's case worker about the birth mom and she filled me in. I immedately started crying in my living room over her story. God instantly took my heart of judgment and turned it into mercy. Something ONLY God can do. If you know me, mercy is NOT my spiritual gift. God - 18, judgment - 0. And in all this, Ryan is still unemployed. The day before we received the call for this little guy, unemployment FINALLY kicked in. God - 19, no income - 0. That same day our tax return was accepted! God - 20, no income - 0. But the fact that Ryan is home to help the transition with everyone God - 21, 22, and 23, our plans and ways - 0. We have had people coming out of the wood work to help, encourage, pray, and love. I'm talking family, friends, strangers, etc. Had a friend just this morning stop by on her way out to run some errands to use her stethoscope to listen to lil man's respiratory issues. God - 24, unequipped - 0. Truly a partnership of James 1:27. It is humbling. I am grateful. I am overwhelmed at God's sovereignty. Whatever comes of this situation, of our family, of lil man's family... may God truly be worshiped and receive all the glory! 
I hope you are able to read this (as lengthy as it is) not in pity. Not in "poor lil man, he's had such a hard life" - even though he has. Not as "poor Ryan, he's been unemployed for over a month" - even though he has. But I hope you will read this and join us in saying,"Lord, this all looks, sounds, and seems crazy. But we know you have a plan and a future for everyone involved. May we not pity ourselves but rejoice that you have called us to love this lil man and potentially his birth mom. Give us wisdom and strength in how to accomplish your will. May we walk by faith and not by sight."
And lastly, I hope you are able to read this and know that the same God that is in control of all the goings on in our home is the same God that wants to do the same for you.

Playing Catch-Up: Birthday Bashes

It has been brought to my attention that I am WAY behind on my blog. So I will be playing a little catch-up. Today we will start with some birthdays. Back to March we go. Yes I know, PITIFUL!!

Micah turned ONE!! (7 months ago)

Ella showed him the ropes of his birthday presents.

 

And someone gave the birthday boy his first sip of sweet tea.

 

Big sister who is 2.5yr old didn't understand why she couldn't have her first sip of sweet tea. Needless to say, it was a HUGE hit.

 Ella turned THREE!! (2 months ago) 

Birthday Girl's breakfast treat!

And who doesn't love blowing out candles!!

Our lil friend Oby stopped by with a card.

I think she may love Oby just a lil bit.

Her first official hair cut on her 3rd birthday.

A friend stopped by and gifted Ella dress up toys in her favorite color!

A sea of balloons

 

Now for her Beach Birthday Party!

The coloring table

Runnin' wild with her cousins.

The toddlers preferred the water table. Just their size!

A friendly game of water balloon toss... which got pretty serious.

Water bucket relay.

CUPCAKE TIME!!

Her favorite thing to do!

So precious! She LOVES her some Thomas and is VERY protective of him. Weezy I would have posted yours, but it wasn't a good angle ;)

Making some shark snow globes

 Ryan turned... well another year (last month) 

How fun when the kids can sing along!

Ryan has been wanting to camp in the back yard...

Straight from the table to the backyard!

R-O-T-T-E-N!

Distributing glow-in-the dark necklaces

 

Had a little fire

Roasted some marshmellows

Nighty-Night

The next day

 Love our little life!!