Phase 2: The Permanency Plan

Before we get started there are some questions that many people are asking that I need to answer.

Q: Why we are sharing so much of this journey with the world.
A: When we started researching the world of adoption we searched high and low. (Here is our first blog post where it all began.) We looked into international, domestic, and foster care. Other than seeking personal counsel of those we respected who had already walked this path and praying like crazy, one area that God really used to minister to my heart was reading people's blogs of their story. I can remember being up till 5am one morning reading a friend's blog and weeping at every post. When this all started I knew I wanted to blog about our process. To be transparent with the good, the bad, and the ugly. But the goal would be to encourage others who were thinking about adoption or foster care and share how big God is.

Q: Are we fostering or fostering to adopt?
A: It is our desire to adopt through foster care. But we know that no foster placement guarantees adoption. More on that later.

Q: Are you going to adopt lil man?
A: We would LOVE to adopt lil man. However, at this point we are just thankful for everyday we have with him. We are still fighting our selfishness to pray for and accept whatever is best for him.

Now for the good stuff...
It has been 31 days since lil man arrived in our life. 29 days since my last post (yes, I am doing a STELLAR job of blogging our experience, huh?). 65 days since Ryan was laid off, and still no job. 3 days since we became a family that purchased insurance out of pocket. Many would see this as a bummer, however God has used this time to get my undivided attention to teach me things I didn't even know existed. Things that are rocking my world. And things that I still haven't found the right words to explain to people.

When we registered to take the PATH classes (which I HIGHLY recommend) we were asked if we wanted to foster or foster to adopt. Our answer - foster to adopt. At the first PATH class we walked in knowing we wanted to adopt through foster care and that was the end of that. It is still our desire. However, through the classes we began to see things from the birth parents' perspective. Things immediately changed. (Again, something only God could do. I come from a long line of hard-headedness.) We know DCS's first goal is always reunification. Before PATH classes I was very judgmental about DCS's way of bending over backwards to give the birth parents so many chances. 

Through those classes God began changing my perspective. However it wasn't until lil man landed in our family that God was able to get through to me. As I've mentioned before God has done a mighty work in my heart regarding lil man's birth mom. Redemption has been the theme. I was trying to explain to my husband some of the feelings I've been trying to process through all this. If I wanted to, I could argue that I did work to bring Ella and Micah into the world. That I earned my right to be their mother. That I played a role in their creation. (I do not believe this, but this is the best way I can explain it.) That I was given this task and it was MY job to do. However, when lil man arrived, there was no work I did to get him. I did not earn the right to be his foster mom. I certainly had no role in his creation. And had it not been God's will, someone else could have been be his caregiver. When I see his sweet chubby cheeks and bright-eyed smile I see a picture of redemption. The only thing required of me is to accept him and love him. No strings attached. Very humbling. God is still teaching me the depth of his redemption. One thing my naturally judgmental heart has learned is that God's redemption is not just for the drug addicts. It's not just for murderers. It's not just for those in jail. It's for those who are "good" people. It's for those who go to church every Sunday. It's for those who lead Bible studies. It's for ALL. There is nothing I can do to earn it. I don't deserve it. Yet it is still offered to me regardless of my past, present, or future. I am no better than lil man's birth mom and I certainly do not deserve the life I have been given. As a matter of fact, I was lil man's birth mom. Abandoned. Orphaned. Believing lies. Without hope. Lost. Then I was redeemed by God.

A few weeks ago we received lil man's Permanency Plan in the mail. For those unfamiliar with all this, it is a document that outlines the initial goals for lil man's future. The permanency plan always starts off with the goal to reunify with a family member, be it mom, dad, grandma, whoever. Interestingly enough this permanency plan was written the morning of the day we got lil man. But since we got him that evening we weren't part of that process. On this plan it goes in to detail of the goals the birth mom and birth dad or whoever in the family must do to get their kid back. Tears welled up in my eyes as we read this very routine document. Another round of reality set in. I am not in control. Nothing is promised. I MUST trust in God who is bigger than all of this. We began to see dates of when things will be completed. We read things we didn't even understand. We spent a lot of time with our friend google that night. 

In the following days we were notified of family members that were coming forward that wanted custody of lil man. I immediately tried to find the "detach switch". I've heard people say "the longer you have him the more attached you'll get." True, but attachment for me started when DCS showed up in my driveway for the first time in the rain with a blanket covering a crying baby. There's no going back. 

Within a few days of hearing of the family members coming forward, Valentine's day arrived. Ryan and I debated on whether we should send lil man's mom a valentine from him. We weren't sure if it was something that would help or hurt. So we made one and left it up to his case worker to decide. As I looked at that valentine with his hand print on it, it physically hurt my heart. I remember texting my sister and telling her "I can't do this. I don't have the strength to do this. I don't have what it takes. It's too hard." And I was right. I can't. I don't have the strength. It is too hard. But one thing the calming voice of God kept telling me was, "You can't do it. Let ME." 

Once I got over the whole valentine thing (I mean really, am I in the 7th grade?!) I was talking with our case worker about what we could do for the birth mom. This is certainly not because I wanted to. God made it very clear I was supposed to. When I asked her this question it was in the form of "how can we pray for her?" You know, the typical Christian cop-out. Since mom is in jail I figured it was a safe gamble. And remembering from PATH classes they stressed the importance of boundaries with the birth family for your safety, so i knew it was a safe question and I wasn't really too worried. Well as the case worker and I talked she began sharing more and more of mom's story. And of course I began to cry. It's just what I do these days. I began sharing with her some things that were on my heart. She stops for a minute and says, "what if you write her a letter?" Come again?! What in the world would I say? All I know is I have her son and she has been dealt a bad hand of life. I asked if that was normal. "Do most foster parents write the birth parents?" Her response: no. HA. Well then, here we go. I sat down at the computer and grilled my editor husband with "what about this? should I say this? is this too much? how do i say this? how will this make her feel?" Three days, lots of praying, and many snot rags later the letter was written and sent. And I thought the Valentine was gut wrenching. 

Friday was our first court date. I've been told to get used to many of these. I have a slight problem with this. I hate the court room. I mean HATE the court room. The last time I was in a court room was October 31, 1992. This was one week after my 12th birthday. It was the day my parents' two-year nasty divorce was finalized. This took place at the Murfreesboro court house. I'll never forget that day. I remember the look on both my parents faces when they walked out of the court room as well as the first thing they said when the doors swung open. I swore on that day that I would do everything in my power to never enter a court room again. So when I got an email for lil man's first court date... and that it was in Murfreesboro... nausea set in. Then immediately followed was God's calm voice of "trust me. Let ME do this." First the valentine, then the birth mom letter, now court. Can I just get a time-out to process some of this? No, because that would begin a self-wallowing pity party like you've never seen! 

Off to court we go. When I arrived I was THRILLED to see it was not the same court house I frequented 20 years ago. I mean who knew there were two court houses in Murfressboro?! Thank you, Jesus!! This was a routine court date. All we were doing was getting the judge to sign off on the permanency plan. Easy peasy. The first surprise was meeting lil man's alleged father. No paternity test needed, I could vouch this is definitely lil man's father. When our case was called we went forward and surprise number 2, they transported mom to be there. When I looked up and saw her she scanned the room with her eyes for a minute then locked eyes with me. She smiled and waved. Now begins the fight to not be "that" person that sobs uncontrollably in the court room standing in front for all to see. She picked me out. We have been praying so hard for her and to put a face with the name was very emotional. Never have I fought tears back so hard in my entire life. It was a crazy busy day. But all the events of that day I can see how God was in the details. Details I am not allowed to share on here. But also details of how God is continuing to convict my judgmental heart. 

I have no idea how things will turn out. I will admit that as things are progressing it seems (in my opinion) that lil man's stay with us may be temporary. So I continue to fight the selfishness in me to pray for what is best for lil man. But most importantly that if in any way his mom or dad  come to know the Lord it will have all been worth it. So join me in praying for them to encounter Jesus.