This blog has turned into my journal. Something I consciously wanted to avoid. This blog was designed to be a day-to-day update of our family for family/friends we don't get to see very often. However, this journey of Foster Care has unlocked chambers of my heart that I didn't even know existed. So with that being said, how can God use something for His glory if it is never shared?
I was "saved" at age 10. I've always been in church, Sunday school, Youth Group functions, Young Adult Bible studies, a Christian university, adult small groups, etc. No matter my geographical location, God always provided an opportunity for discipleship. But this experience with Foster Care has popped a Christian bubble that I didn't even know I'd been living in. My perception of God, the world, love... all have been challenged. In a good way. With each appointment, court date, Vandy visit, Birth Parent contact... the reality of our need for God in a broken world becomes much more apparent. I am not referring to "this broken world needs God." Although it does. I mean the reality of MY need for God.
Last week I attended court for the second time. This trip was just as much an eye-opening experience for me as the first. As I sat in the court room I listened to case after case being called. I heard parent after parent surrendering their rights as parents as if it was something as nonchalant as tossing an old pair of shoes. I couldn't believe it! This world really does exist. I saw the face of one parent that came to surrender and she looked as though she was put-off to be wasting time out of her day to be doing this. Now hear me clearly, I am not judging them. Honestly, this may be the best thing for these kids. A decision I would never want to make!
I heard the judge call a case with a name that sounded very familiar to me. As I listened I learned this particular girl was 17 years old and would turn 18 in a month. In the Foster Care world when a kid turns 18 they age out of the system and if they haven't been adopted they age out without a forever family. I CANNOT IMAGINE! What was I doing when I was 18? Wearing my class ring, ordering a cap and gown and invitations, looking for a dress to wear to prom, looking into colleges, and asking my dad for money to go to the movies. I was not thinking, "where will I live? will I have a forever family? How long will this family let me stay here?" When this particular girl turned around and I saw her face I realized why her name sounded familiar and tears filled my eyes. She was one of my former 8th grade math students!! It has been 4 years since I taught (meaning my ability to remember students' names is rare) but the details of her in my class immediately clarified in my mind as if it were yesterday. A lot of things made sense in that moment.
A few cases later I see a beautiful 12ish year-old girl come forward when her case was called. The attorneys and judge began talking about her parents as if they were run away dogs. "Do we know where Dad is? Have we located Mom? When was contact last made with Mom?" Again, I am not judging the attorneys or the judge. If I had sat in the court room all day I would have heard the same types of questions. And this is the good ol' U.S. of A. - land of the free and home of the brave. This happens everyday. So as the case proceeded with the 12yr old girl the judge addresses each person and asks if they have any questions. The DCS case worker then proceeds to tell the judge that the girl wanted to talk to her. So the judge lovingly welcomes the girl to step up to the microphone and asks her what she would like to say. The girl simply opens her mouth and says, "I want to be adopted, please." Yes, you read that right. A 12yr old little girl just asked a complete stranger - the judge - for a mommy. She just asked the judge if she could make it happen so that she could have a mommy!! The judge asked her who she wanted to adopt her and the girl points to her foster mom. At this point our case hadn't even been called and I was done. There was no way I would be able to form a complete sentence. I was absolutely dumbfounded. What are we (people, adults, parents, CHRISTIANS) doing that children are having to beg people for Mommys and Daddys?!
If you are reading this you know that we are new to the Orphan Care world. Two months in and my mind is still blown away daily. And we have yet to even scratch the surface of this overwhelming need. I know not everyone is called to Foster or Adopt. But we are all called to James 1:27 in some way or another. We are all called to love others. One thing I have been uber convicted of throughout this was MY idea of my roll as a mom. If I got the kids up, fed them 3 square meals, played play-doh or colored with them, watched some PBS shows, played dolls and cars, prayed a bedtime prayer and sang some songs, then put them to bed... then I did a stellar job of being a mom that day. But my idea of motherhood may not be big enough. God's plan for me is much greater than staying within the 4 walls of my home. Yes, it is Ryan and my job to teach our children about the love of Christ, but they must also see it lived out. Other than reading a Bible verse or praying, what was I doing to put those things into action? With people? We are in a war whether we want to be or not. The busyness I willing get so caught up in; the tasks I think are so important... there is a greater need. On Resurrection Sunday part of our worship time included 17 people getting baptized. I've never been to a more moving baptism. As I watched those 17 people be baptized it became real to me. There were kids, adults, parents, people of all ages celebrating a new relationship with Christ. I watched a mother get baptized and right behind her was her son getting baptized. I watched a father baptize his daughter. Something I pray will take place for our family. But as I sat in my seat I couldn't help but think of those two girls in court, our lil' man, and his entire family. I don't know how their story will play out. All I know is we have today. And I thought, "am I really living selflessly in a way that those I encounter in this path/this opportunity that God has given us to bring Glory to His name? Do I really live day-to-day with an attitude that I believe God can do mighty things? That I would be willing to be transparent with others and live for something other than myself?" (Boy that rabbit really got away from me, but I caught him.)
Back to court last week - After our case was heard lil' man's case worker and I walked out of the court room and I was immediately introduced to lil' man's grandparents. The grandmother looked at me with tears in her eyes and asked, "Can you tell me about him?" So I started talking about him... how he sits up, burrows his face into your shoulder when you're holding him and he gets excited, is about to cut his first tooth, laughs from the deepest part of his stomach, smiles not just with his mouth but with his eyes, and sings himself to sleep... just as I would brag about my own kids to others. And at some point during the descriptions I started crying, she started crying, lil' man's dad walked out of the court room and sees both of us crying and asks, "What happened?" Ha! "We were talking about how perfect your son is!" So long story short we were allowed and able to make arrangements for lil' man and I to visit with his dad and grandparents for a few hours that day. When I raced home to grab lil' man to take him back to visit with his family Ella looked at me and said, "Where is lil' man' going?" I responded with, "He's going to see his dad and grandparents." She looked at me with big watery eyes and said, "But I want him to stay here forever." Please pray for Ella's heart for the reality that he may be leaving us soon.
Ryan and I talk at length about lil' man and his future and what that means. Many times tears are involved. But it's a time of accountability to take certain thoughts captive. A precious time to refocus on why God has called us to this. During one of our talks Ryan reads me this verse. "The God who spoke light into existence, saying, 'Let light shine from darkness,' is the very One who sets our hearts ablaze to shed light on the knowledge of God's glory revealed in the face of Jesus, the Anointed One." (2 Corinthians 4:6 The Voice) This is our prayer. Something we must remind ourselves daily. That God would truly set our hearts ablaze for God's glory and not sidetracked with the crisis of orphan care. Most importantly that His light would be shed to each family member and child that we encounter as we continue this path. Something that is impossible in our own strength.
