1) It was two years ago on July 31st
in 2011 that Ryan and I decided to become a part of LifePoint Church. We signed
on the dotted line and knew we wanted to commit to this church, to be plugged
in, and to raise our family here. I could go on and on about how God is using
this church. Personally, it has been His mouth to minister to me in a plethora
of ways. And my kids--I LOVE how excited they are to be there. The truths they
are learning and applying are biblically based. I know there is no
perfect church. And I know LifePoint is far from perfect, but I also know God
is leading them. So if you are in the Rutherford County, Middle Tennessee area
and are looking for a church, let me know. I'd love for you to join us.
2) Last year on July 31st 2012 Ryan and
I attended our first PATH class to become foster parents. It was orientation.
We were handed a huge folder of forms and a pen. And that began the paper
trail. In the car on the way home I remember talking with Ryan, "Are we
really doing this?! Are we sure about this?!"
3) Today on July 31st 2013 marks
exactly 6 months that we have had lil man. It was on a cold rainy night on
January 31st that lil man arrived at our house. It even snowed. That details of that night is
forever engrained in my brain much like the arrivals of our other two.
So let me catch you up on the last
couple of months in our world. One reason I have neglected to blog is because
it is becoming increasingly harder to update while maintaining confidentiality.
While working on reunification with lil man's birth family (in our case) there is a 3-step process for lil man to return to his family. The first step is for DCS in the location where the birth family resides to do their thing and approve or deny. The second step is once they make a decision then our DCS does their thing - looks over everything and makes a decision to approve or deny. And thirdly, once both DCS's make decisions it is then brought before the judge and she has the final say. We understood that once the ball started rolling in this 3-step process that whatever were to happen would happen fast.
May Update
In May we were informed that the
first leg of the process has been decided on - approved. There was some missing
information and questions on the approval so they asked for it to be done
again. Upon completion of the redo the decision remained the same - approved.
That means lil man is one step closer to being reunified with his family. I
believe in reunification. I want lil man to be where he is supposed to be. But
the reality, that he is on his way... a lump in my throat is quite the
understatement. That update was hard to take and swallow. It was a very
emotional night to say the least.
The next morning we had to resume
with life. Lil man's appointments had to continue. So at 9:30am lil man's TEIS
therapist walks in the door like she does every week to work with him on
different things. She and I have become quite close and even discuss personal
things in our lives in light of Christ during his "therapy". And each
week she asks if there has been an update with his family. When she asked that
morning through tears I explained what we had been told the day before. As she
cried and I cried through the rest of the appointment, Christ truly made
himself known. Before she left, we held him together and prayed over him. I
LOVE a good prayer time together with fellow believers, but during this time
God was reminding me of His faithfulness. He showed me how
much He loves lil man and how He holds it all. How even with lil man's therapy
sessions, He had hand crafted the people we were to work with long before lil
man ever arrived in our home.
June Update
After the first step was
approved for little man to be returned to his family there were some final questions to answer. A team meeting was called so our DCS could make a decision, and finish step
two. This huge meeting was scheduled to take place during our VBS week. The end
of the week. As in Friday, after you've been running with 3 kids all week that
had to get up hours earlier than normal. My first thought was "this has
got to be the worst timing ever! I am going to be absolutely exhausted."
And I was. But I was also wrong. It was the best timing. God's timing is always
absolutely perfect. We were so busy and so exhausted that week that I didn't
even have the opportunity to sit and dwell on the fact that lil man would be
leaving soon. I didn't have the energy for a pity party or to feel guilty for the fact
that this could be our last week with him. That I am handing him over to
nursery workers for the first half of what could potentially be our last days with him. (P.S. Those nursery workers that
were strangers on Monday have become some precious souls to lil man and I!!
Thank you, Jesus that your ways are better than ours!)
The Wednesday of that week (two days
prior to the big meeting) our case workers came over to prep us. Praise Jesus
for a caseworker that personally comes to our house to deliver news that she
knows will be difficult for us to hear and handle so we can better prepare for the meeting. As we all sat in our living room crying together over the
upcoming outcome Ryan and I began to ask questions of the aftermath. "How
much longer do we get with lil man? How will we hand him back over? Will it be
a transition or will it be immediate?" There really weren't answers to our
questions. It could be immediate, it could be a transition. And through tears I
asked "So, there is a possibility that on the day of court should the
judge grant custody to his birth family we could leave the court room and they
follow us home to pack him up and send him on his way?" I knew the answer
to that question but I guess I just needed to hear it. To prepare for the
worst. When I heard the word "yes" it took my breath away. There is
no way to describe that feeling. It was almost as if I were grieving the death
of one of my children. But the amazing part, right behind those immediate
fears, there was peace. A peace that passes all understanding. As we talked
with our case worker she reminded us, "God has already written lil man's
book. He has a plan for lil man. We have to trust Him." And that is what
we had to focus on. Thank you, Jesus, for a case worker that is a believer and
that can encourage during brokenness and weakness.
That evening we went outside to play
with the kids and kinda clear our heads. And in as deep a prayer as one can get
while chasing kids around the yard God cleared up misconceptions I had bought
into. I'm not sure I will be able to clearly communicate this, but here goes...
I had felt it was my job to fight for lil man since the day we got him. Not
necessarily to fight against certain people or things but to fight for what was
best for him. And I did that. From day one. With everything I could muster up. Things I was told and things that
were brought to my attention I shared with those that needed to know them. Just
as I would be protective of my own children. But in that deep prayer I heard,
"are you doing this for Me or for you?" BAM! WHAT?! Any parent would
do anything to protect their child. To keep them from harm. Thus I began a game
of tug-of-war with God. I began splitting hairs. (Yes, at 32 I still have not
given up tug-of-war with God. I never win, but I still play.) To make a long
story short what I realized was I was spending all this time and energy to
fight for what I thought was best for lil man while I may have been getting in
the way of the testimony God was writing for him. From the day I learned step one was approved it was as if I kicked it into overdrive. As if there was something I had to do that couldn't be resolved any other way.
If nothing else, emotionally and mentally, I
was holding onto lil man so tight that the thoughts I was thinking and the
choices I was making had one objective - mine. I was living in fear of the
inevitable. There is a fine line between fighting for what is best for him while being his voice and
still allowing God to be God and being willing to accept His plan. I had been muddying up that line. So in the
grass of our backyard (while squirting my kids with the water hose) I wept and
surrendered the outcome of the meeting on Friday. (My kids don't even ask why
I'm crying anymore. It happens that often. And when they do most of the time is
it "well, honey, mommy and God are talking and mommy just realized she
made a bad choice and I feel really bad about it.")
So Friday morning rolls around. (I
have a hard time sleeping these days, but that night, I slept like a baby!) I
load the van with 3 kids and head off to VBS at 7:20 in the morning! For the
fifth time. And with us in that car was a peace that passes all understanding.
And it stayed with me all day. I knew we had an army praying for the meeting
and for lil man. When VBS was over as I was packing the van with 3 kids there
were people I didn't even know telling me they were praying for our meeting in
an hour. So we get home, unload the kids on my parents, and head out. In the
car ride there was still a quiet peace, there were no tears (and that is a miracle).
The last thing we were told was we would meet, a decision would be made at the
end of the meeting, and we would be before a judge possibly within a couple of weeks to
grant custody, the end.
We arrive, sit in our chairs, and
the meeting begins. Unfortunately due to confidentiality we cannot share the
details but the meeting lasts for two and a half hours. Not at all the way it
was expected to happen. Ryan nor I ever said a word. We sat, and listened, and
prayed. A decision was not made that day. A decision still has not been made a
month and a half later. God's presence was so clear to me in that meeting.
Normally I would have been an emotional hot mess. Not the first tear. So we
continue to pray for what is best for lil man and trust God has gone before us.
Please continue to pray for everyone involved as every step of the way there
will be hurting hearts. Whether it be us, or the birth family. Pray that at
each step our hearts would turn to Jesus the ultimate healer.
Currently
There have been a couple more
updates since that meeting. However, nothing on official paper and nothing I am
at liberty to share at this point. I know there are a lot of holes in the story and that may make it hard to follow. How I wish we could share more that would better explain how God is working.
A few things you can be praying over
is for lil man's birth father, grandmother, and birth mother. We have a big
meeting coming up next week where some big things are on the docket to be
discussed. Prayers for discernment of what the best decision is for lil man
would be greatly appreciated.
And one more thing I would like to
share. Growing up in the church I have often heard, "God will not give you
more than you can handle." Well, friends. False! I call bull! That is not in the Bible.
If God were to only give us what we could handle, and no more, why would we
need him? Couldn't we do it all on our own? God's plans are huge. More than we
could ask or imagine. And more than we can handle. Foster Care is CERTAINLY
more than I can handle. Most days motherhood is more than I can handle, if we're
being honest. But the beauty of learning and accepting that He does give
us more than we can handle is that the "impossibility" is handled by
Him. We just have to allow Him. With His strength we get through it. When we
depend on Him there is a peace in knowing He holds it all. Doesn't mean it
will be easy. It doesn't mean things will turn out the way we want. But He is in control. And that should make us all feel better. He
holds it all!
"He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." ~ Colossians 1:17
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