The Lewellings

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Happy 2nd Birthday, Micah!!!

My sweet little boy is 2 today!! He is a HUGE fan of VeggieTales so a VeggieTales party it was. Each year I learn new tricks of how to have a fun birthday party for the kids without it becoming ridiculous. So our goal this year was simple but incorporating things Micah would be aware of and love. We started the week before his actual birthday making decorations. I mean with 3 little ones, ya almost have to. Especially since Ryan and I love doing homemade decorations. I am extremely blessed to have a husband that enjoys staying up late to draw, color, cut-out things that will make their birthdays special to them. It is such a fun uninterrupted time of walking down memory lane and lots of laughter. The first thing we made was his birthday banner. Since he cannot read, making a plain banner with this name on it would mean nothing to him. So we got a little creative. This banner definitely got his attention! He would walk by it all week and give it a *gasp* "BOB!" We found him many times just sitting on the floor looking up at it in silence. Score!

We also printed out some of the VeggieTales quotes and put them in the kitchen so he could see them as he was eating. He LOVED it!

The snacks we had at his party were the VeggieTale foods with a picture corresponding to what character it represented. We served the foods in little planters. (Yes, I know Junior is not an actual piece of broccoli. But I wanted broccoli and he kinda looks like one.) Micah is still playing with the planters and pictures a day later.

We LOVE balloons (or "gaboons" as Ella calls them). So we had some regular red and green balloons blown up and glued Bob and Larry faces to them. These were a huge hit!

While playing with the balloons he saw daddy doing something outside... and starts saying "BOB!!"

My amazingly talented husband drew a little welcome art for our guests.

We also played "Pin the nose on Bob" with all the cousins.

And for the cake - well, we always do cupcake cakes. No cutting involved. No extra plate or cutlery needed. Win, win! And since I have a master artist as a husband I tell him what I want, he draws it on the cupcake cake, and I color. And here is Micah's reaction when he first saw the cupcakes...

I LOVE this sweet face!!!!

Surprise!!! He chose "BOB!"

We wanted the cousins to take something away they could use that represented our vegetable friends...

so they got a watering can, some tomato seeds, cucumber seeds, and a garden snake.

We stole a shot with the birthday boy!

A VERY tired birthday boy!

In our house at the age of 2 you start carrying your own weight. When Ella turned two she got a backpack for her birthday and started carrying her own "diaper bag" essentials. Now that Micah is two he has earned this rite of passage. So here he is ready to head to church with his very own backpack. One less diaper bag to carry...SCORE!

And how ON EARTH did we get to this point already?!

Happy Birthday my sweet, little Micah!!!!!

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Phase 2: The Permanency Plan

Before we get started there are some questions that many people are asking that I need to answer.

Q: Why we are sharing so much of this journey with the world.
A: When we started researching the world of adoption we searched high and low. (Here is our first blog post where it all began.) We looked into international, domestic, and foster care. Other than seeking personal counsel of those we respected who had already walked this path and praying like crazy, one area that God really used to minister to my heart was reading people's blogs of their story. I can remember being up till 5am one morning reading a friend's blog and weeping at every post. When this all started I knew I wanted to blog about our process. To be transparent with the good, the bad, and the ugly. But the goal would be to encourage others who were thinking about adoption or foster care and share how big God is.

Q: Are we fostering or fostering to adopt?
A: It is our desire to adopt through foster care. But we know that no foster placement guarantees adoption. More on that later.

Q: Are you going to adopt lil man?
A: We would LOVE to adopt lil man. However, at this point we are just thankful for everyday we have with him. We are still fighting our selfishness to pray for and accept whatever is best for him.

Now for the good stuff...
It has been 31 days since lil man arrived in our life. 29 days since my last post (yes, I am doing a STELLAR job of blogging our experience, huh?). 65 days since Ryan was laid off, and still no job. 3 days since we became a family that purchased insurance out of pocket. Many would see this as a bummer, however God has used this time to get my undivided attention to teach me things I didn't even know existed. Things that are rocking my world. And things that I still haven't found the right words to explain to people.

When we registered to take the PATH classes (which I HIGHLY recommend) we were asked if we wanted to foster or foster to adopt. Our answer - foster to adopt. At the first PATH class we walked in knowing we wanted to adopt through foster care and that was the end of that. It is still our desire. However, through the classes we began to see things from the birth parents' perspective. Things immediately changed. (Again, something only God could do. I come from a long line of hard-headedness.) We know DCS's first goal is always reunification. Before PATH classes I was very judgmental about DCS's way of bending over backwards to give the birth parents so many chances.

Through those classes God began changing my perspective. However it wasn't until lil man landed in our family that God was able to get through to me. As I've mentioned before God has done a mighty work in my heart regarding lil man's birth mom. Redemption has been the theme. I was trying to explain to my husband some of the feelings I've been trying to process through all this. If I wanted to, I could argue that I did work to bring Ella and Micah into the world. That I earned my right to be their mother. That I played a role in their creation. (I do not believe this, but this is the best way I can explain it.) That I was given this task and it was MY job to do. However, when lil man arrived, there was no work I did to get him. I did not earn the right to be his foster mom. I certainly had no role in his creation. And had it not been God's will, someone else could have been be his caregiver. When I see his sweet chubby cheeks and bright-eyed smile I see a picture of redemption. The only thing required of me is to accept him and love him. No strings attached. Very humbling. God is still teaching me the depth of his redemption. One thing my naturally judgmental heart has learned is that God's redemption is not just for the drug addicts. It's not just for murderers. It's not just for those in jail. It's for those who are "good" people. It's for those who go to church every Sunday. It's for those who lead Bible studies. It's for ALL. There is nothing I can do to earn it. I don't deserve it. Yet it is still offered to me regardless of my past, present, or future. I am no better than lil man's birth mom and I certainly do not deserve the life I have been given. As a matter of fact, I was lil man's birth mom. Abandoned. Orphaned. Believing lies. Without hope. Lost. Then I was redeemed by God.

A few weeks ago we received lil man's Permanency Plan in the mail. For those unfamiliar with all this, it is a document that outlines the initial goals for lil man's future. The permanency plan always starts off with the goal to reunify with a family member, be it mom, dad, grandma, whoever. Interestingly enough this permanency plan was written the morning of the day we got lil man. But since we got him that evening we weren't part of that process. On this plan it goes in to detail of the goals the birth mom and birth dad or whoever in the family must do to get their kid back. Tears welled up in my eyes as we read this very routine document. Another round of reality set in. I am not in control. Nothing is promised. I MUST trust in God who is bigger than all of this. We began to see dates of when things will be completed. We read things we didn't even understand. We spent a lot of time with our friend google that night.

In the following days we were notified of family members that were coming forward that wanted custody of lil man. I immediately tried to find the "detach switch". I've heard people say "the longer you have him the more attached you'll get." True, but attachment for me started when DCS showed up in my driveway for the first time in the rain with a blanket covering a crying baby. There's no going back.

Within a few days of hearing of the family members coming forward, Valentine's day arrived. Ryan and I debated on whether we should send lil man's mom a valentine from him. We weren't sure if it was something that would help or hurt. So we made one and left it up to his case worker to decide. As I looked at that valentine with his hand print on it, it physically hurt my heart. I remember texting my sister and telling her "I can't do this. I don't have the strength to do this. I don't have what it takes. It's too hard." And I was right. I can't. I don't have the strength. It is too hard. But one thing the calming voice of God kept telling me was, "You can't do it. Let ME."

Once I got over the whole valentine thing (I mean really, am I in the 7th grade?!) I was talking with our case worker about what we could do for the birth mom. This is certainly not because I wanted to. God made it very clear I was supposed to. When I asked her this question it was in the form of "how can we pray for her?" You know, the typical Christian cop-out. Since mom is in jail I figured it was a safe gamble. And remembering from PATH classes they stressed the importance of boundaries with the birth family for your safety, so i knew it was a safe question and I wasn't really too worried. Well as the case worker and I talked she began sharing more and more of mom's story. And of course I began to cry. It's just what I do these days. I began sharing with her some things that were on my heart. She stops for a minute and says, "what if you write her a letter?" Come again?! What in the world would I say? All I know is I have her son and she has been dealt a bad hand of life. I asked if that was normal. "Do most foster parents write the birth parents?" Her response: no. HA. Well then, here we go. I sat down at the computer and grilled my editor husband with "what about this? should I say this? is this too much? how do i say this? how will this make her feel?" Three days, lots of praying, and many snot rags later the letter was written and sent. And I thought the Valentine was gut wrenching.

Friday was our first court date. I've been told to get used to many of these. I have a slight problem with this. I hate the court room. I mean HATE the court room. The last time I was in a court room was October 31, 1992. This was one week after my 12th birthday. It was the day my parents' two-year nasty divorce was finalized. This took place at the Murfreesboro court house. I'll never forget that day. I remember the look on both my parents faces when they walked out of the court room as well as the first thing they said when the doors swung open. I swore on that day that I would do everything in my power to never enter a court room again. So when I got an email for lil man's first court date... and that it was in Murfreesboro... nausea set in. Then immediately followed was God's calm voice of "trust me. Let ME do this." First the valentine, then the birth mom letter, now court. Can I just get a time-out to process some of this? No, because that would begin a self-wallowing pity party like you've never seen!

Off to court we go. When I arrived I was THRILLED to see it was not the same court house I frequented 20 years ago. I mean who knew there were two court houses in Murfressboro?! Thank you, Jesus!! This was a routine court date. All we were doing was getting the judge to sign off on the permanency plan. Easy peasy. The first surprise was meeting lil man's alleged father. No paternity test needed, I could vouch this is definitely lil man's father. When our case was called we went forward and surprise number 2, they transported mom to be there. When I looked up and saw her she scanned the room with her eyes for a minute then locked eyes with me. She smiled and waved. Now begins the fight to not be "that" person that sobs uncontrollably in the court room standing in front for all to see. She picked me out. We have been praying so hard for her and to put a face with the name was very emotional. Never have I fought tears back so hard in my entire life. It was a crazy busy day. But all the events of that day I can see how God was in the details. Details I am not allowed to share on here. But also details of how God is continuing to convict my judgmental heart.

I have no idea how things will turn out. I will admit that as things are progressing it seems (in my opinion) that lil man's stay with us may be temporary. So I continue to fight the selfishness in me to pray for what is best for lil man. But most importantly that if in any way his mom or dad come to know the Lord it will have all been worth it. So join me in praying for them to encounter Jesus.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

The story of a MIGHTY God and a little baby

Ground rules:
1) I'm going to give a quick background.
2) We are not allowed to post the name, pics, or personal information of our little friend.
3) While we are not allowed to share lil man's information I do want to vaguely share how huge God is in all of this.
4) Resist the urge to feel pity for any of the following and replace it with prayers for God's guidance and widsom for us.

Quick background:
In October of 2011 we felt the urge that God was calling us to adopt. After seeking counsel and much prayer in July of 2012 we began the PATH classes that are required to become foster parents. We still weren't sure the exact path we were to take in all of this so we just put one foot in front of the other and walked through each door as it opened. And let me tell you how that is NOT in my nature. It is NOT my preference. And it is NOT something I excel at. Insert God! It is truly amazing how He can change a heart! God - 1, my personality - 0. We graduated from the PATH classes in September of 2012. We didn't work extra hard to move anything along any quicker than normal, kinda dragging our feet. At this point we had an 18month old who still wasn't talking and a freshly 3yr old. On our second to last PATH class Ryan found out he would be losing his job at the end of the year. Upon graduation we didn't contact anyone to get rolling on the paperwork, background check, interviews, etc. A week later we got a call and were assigned a home study writer. Ok, Lord, as long as you lead, we'll follow. And I'll promise you I won't be running ahead of you on this one. I had great fear in the extremely high percentage of sexual abuse in Foster Care. We continued to do everything that was asked of us as soon as they asked. Before we knew it we were meeting with our Home Study writer and had completed all the homework. We continued reminding them about Ryan losing his job but they were un-phased. God - 2, the norm - 0. We prayed about wether it would be irresponsible to try to care for someone else's responsibility without any income. But the Lord in all his Sovereignty continued the path without haste. We received the official letter that we were certified Foster Parents in November. However, we were told that because we had requested younger aged children that we would be waiting a while. And honestly, that was music to my ears!

Now to 2013...
Ryan's last day at his job was December 28th. So as of today we are 36 days unemployed. Amazingly enough, in 36 days we have not even felt the stress of no income. God's rules of math are not the same as ours. (And being a former math teacher, it blows my mind!) God - 3, financial fear - 0. As part of our Foster Parent certification we have to have a landline phone. The only person who has the number to that phone is DCS. So when the phone rings we always know who it is. In early January we got our first call. My heart stopped as I slowly walked to the phone hoping we'd miss the call. That thing rings forever before going to voicemail. When I answered it was a case worker looking for a weekend placement. It was 4 teenagers. I have a special place in my heart for teens but in our stage of life right now, not something we feel we can successfully accommodate. But I was doing "bed math" in my head of how many sleeping surfaces we had for the weekend. Trying to work it out in my head it just wouldn't work. So I had to say no. Although it was hard to say no, I deep down was thankful. The phone would occasionally rang. Each time my heart would stop. Each time it was a wrong number or a solicitor. Two Thursdays ago it rang again. This time for real. The DCS worker was trying to place two little girls. One was 3yrs old and the other 1yr old. This got extremely real for me very quick! The 3 yr old was 3 weeks older than Ella. And her name was a name we had picked out for Ella but there was already one of those in our family. The 1yr old was exactly 3 months younger than Micah to the day. My heart immedately broke for them as the DSC worker began sharing their story. Again, amazed at how God can change a heart in an instant. God - 4, fear - 0. While on the phone another family accepted the girls. My heart was broken. The thought that one day those two little girls would learn that their parents were chosing drugs over them. This is the norm in Foster Care but with these little girls being so close to the ages of my 2 little ones it crushed me. The rest of the night when I would see E or M playing I would immediately think of those girls and weep. That there was an "Ella and Micah" out there about to be ripped from everything they knew. I never expected to feel this way over a phone call. It made no sense to me why we would not get these girls. We had all the "stuff" we'd need especially for girls. I had just boxed up girls clothing that afternoon that would have fit both girls. We had all the right beds we'd need. We just graduated E and M up in car seats leaving 2 free. I just couldn't understand. I knew in my head that they were placed with the family they needed. But I couldn't get my heart to sync up. As I continued talking with the DCS lady on the phone she felt horrible. She told me she would move us to the top of her list and that I WOULD be hearing from her the next week since she was on call. My feeling of dread for the phone to ring instantly changed to excitement. God - 5, fear - 0. I got off the phone and cried some more.
So a week went by... que this Thursday. Ella has been having a sleep regression and up all hours of the night. I remember jokingly telling Ryan, "I wonder if God is getting us ready for a baby." God - 6, useless all nighters - 0. All week I had felt the urgency to get down all the clothes from the attic to sort by age and gender. We started looking into possibly getting a van. If we ended up with a sibling group we would have to take two cars everywhere we went. So 2 days ago during the kids nap Ryan and I pulled down every box in the attic into the living room to begin sorting. God - 7, unprepared - 0. Just then the phone rang. Ryan was still in the attic and I was lunging over boxes. I didn't make it to the DCS phone in time. I immediately began scurrying to find my cell as they try that next. I answered and the DCS worker this time said she had a 4mo old little boy to place. (Technically he is still 3mo.) She began telling his story and I (again) began weeping. He is considered a "drug baby". She began saying things like "he is colicy, doesn't like to be held, or swaddled. He doesn't like the swing or to be confined." Well, Micah was the poster child for colic. Skipping the details, he arrived within 2 hours of the call. When his case worker pulled in the driveway I met her there to intercept him while she got his diaper bag. He was squalling. As soon as I got in the house with him he stopped. When she entered right behind me she looked shocked and began telling me how surprised she was that he was so calm. God - 8, baby's past - 0. Now, this has nothing to do with me. In the home I grew up in there were no tips or pointers of how to be an affectionate, loving mom. This is truly a testament of how mighty God is! God - 9, growing up w/o a mom - 0. An hour after lil man had been in our home he fell asleep on my chest. All cuddled up. God - 10, "doesn't like to be held" - 0. He slept for about an hour while Ella and Micah were hugging and kissing and patting all over him. Another God thing. I knew E would love him but wasn't so sure about Micah. Micah immediately began laying his head on lil man's back and trying to hug him. God - 11, my thoughts - 0. We were told certain things about how he eats that would be problematic. We experienced none of those things. God - 12, Baby's past - 0. We were told he was extremely colicy. Over the first 24hours he hadn't cried at all. God - 13, Colic - 0. (I'm sure we will be exiting the honeymoon phase soon.) He arrived with some respiratory problems so we expected to have a long night due to that. Well, he slept like a log the first night. God - 14, respiratory problem - 0. Lil man's case worker called the next morning to check in. I went on and on about how well he had done. She was so surprised she asked if she could come see him. When she arrived he was swinging in the swing cooing at Ella. The case worker was so surprised she began taking pictures. God -15, "he doesn't like the swing" - 0. While the case worker and I talked I ended up holding him and he fell asleep on me again. The case worker took out her phone and began the paparazzi again. God - 16, "he doesn't like to be held"- 0. She was shocked. His case worker is WONDERFUL!! I expected a "business-like" guard with what I would be allowed to know of the situation. Nope, she told me anything I wanted to know. God - 17, my expectation - 0. As we were talking about lil man's improvements she was stumped. I just kept saying "God is certainly all over this." She didn't comment or disapprove. So we are praying for her too. The first night I didn't sleep a wink. Was thinking about the birth mom and honestly, thinking judgmentally about her. I was asking lil man's case worker about the birth mom and she filled me in. I immedately started crying in my living room over her story. God instantly took my heart of judgment and turned it into mercy. Something ONLY God can do. If you know me, mercy is NOT my spiritual gift. God - 18, judgment - 0. And in all this, Ryan is still unemployed. The day before we received the call for this little guy, unemployment FINALLY kicked in. God - 19, no income - 0. That same day our tax return was accepted! God - 20, no income - 0. But the fact that Ryan is home to help the transition with everyone God - 21, 22, and 23, our plans and ways - 0. We have had people coming out of the wood work to help, encourage, pray, and love. I'm talking family, friends, strangers, etc. Had a friend just this morning stop by on her way out to run some errands to use her stethoscope to listen to lil man's respiratory issues. God - 24, unequipped - 0. Truly a partnership of James 1:27. It is humbling. I am grateful. I am overwhelmed at God's sovereignty. Whatever comes of this situation, of our family, of lil man's family... may God truly be worshiped and receive all the glory!
I hope you are able to read this (as lengthy as it is) not in pity. Not in "poor lil man, he's had such a hard life" - even though he has. Not as "poor Ryan, he's been unemployed for over a month" - even though he has. But I hope you will read this and join us in saying,"Lord, this all looks, sounds, and seems crazy. But we know you have a plan and a future for everyone involved. May we not pity ourselves but rejoice that you have called us to love this lil man and potentially his birth mom. Give us wisdom and strength in how to accomplish your will. May we walk by faith and not by sight."
And lastly, I hope you are able to read this and know that the same God that is in control of all the goings on in our home is the same God that wants to do the same for you.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Playing Catch-Up: Birthday Bashes

It has been brought to my attention that I am WAY behind on my blog. So I will be playing a little catch-up. Today we will start with some birthdays. Back to March we go. Yes I know, PITIFUL!!

Micah turned ONE!! (7 months ago)